Imagine that you have just heard, a woman who was four months pregnant had a miscarriage or had to lose her baby because of various medical reasons, before actually giving birth.
What would your reaction be?
Would you think:
_ It is not really a formed baby yet: it is a fetus.
_ being that it is a fetus, it should not be so dramatic for the parents.
_ the baby did not join his/her family alive in this world, so the loss for the family is not that great.
_ there was not enough bonding between the fetus and his/her parents, so they should be upset but not as much as losing a living baby.
_they have other kids. They will get over it.
_they should try for another one; once they have it, they will forget about the lost fêtus.
_ put it down to bad luck; forget about it and move on.
The list is endless…
All of the above were probably what have gone through my mind, when I was single or if I had managed to have had my family without complications. I would have been none the wiser, while basking in ignorance and stupidity.
Why would someone get too upset at the loss of fetus?
If I could go back in time, I would have given myself a well-earned slap, for being so ignorant and stupid.
Reality is so different to just hearing about someone’s misfortune and clinically dismissing it as not a big deal.
Before you dismiss it as not a big deal, try imagining that you yourself is living through the experience. Your own flesh and blood unable to join you alive in this world. Your glorious wife being shattered by the experience of losing her precious baby. While ignorant people like me are thinking that it is not that important, you are living in a cesspit of depression, mourning and devastation. Your life is in tatters and you question the existence of God. This is how devastating the experience of losing a fetus, can be for a couple. They do not dismiss it as bad luck. They do not just try again. They cry and they mourn.
I have lived through this experience not once but twice.
I have lived through this experience, after living with the problem of infertility for a few years.
The example and the reasoning of this argument is myself.
After going through the harrowing period of infertility, my wife got pregnant. A few months later, we had to lose the baby. The reason is not important for the purpose of this article. It was out of our hands.
In those months, that fetus was the centre of our lives. We talked to him daily and made plans with a smile on our face. For us he was not just a fetus. He was our son. He was our flesh and blood. He was our life. Even though he was in my wife’s belly, he had already taken his post in our family and became our beacon of hope. He was the catalyst in the world making sense again. After so many years of trying to get pregnant, we were finally a few months away from welcoming our son in this world, whom we would have nurtured, guided, taught and loved.
I cannot remember the times I heard my wife talk to him. They were too many. It was our daily thing.
We were then given the killer blow that we had to lose him.
We were a couple who battled with infertility and needed help. With that help, we managed to to get a step closer in achieving our miracle. To come so close to bringing our son home and to be suddenly be taken away from us, was hard pill to swallow.
Did I consider him a fetus?
Of course not! He is my son. He did not manage to join us alive in this hard world but to me, he was not just a fetus. He is my flesh and blood and we miss him dearly.
Seeing him coming to this world without a life and holding him in my arms, knowing that it was only for a brief period, was devastating. We knew that we could not take him home. There was only one place for him. The cemetery!
Losing him, was soul destroying for my wife and I. We were crashed. We lost a piece of ourselves. The world did not make sense. Nothing did!
I questioned the existence of a Righteous God and anger took centre stage in my heart.
My wife was inconsolable.
I was basking in anger, depression and hate.
Did I still think that it was not a big deal? Did I think that I should not have been so upset as he was only a fetus?
I can understand why some people might think that. They have not experienced it. They have not lived through it. For them, someone outside their own bubble lost their fetus. It has no direct effect on them and they look at it through tinted lenses.
THEY ARE WRONG! The same as I was back in the day.
I have learned my lesson the hard way. I hope no one else goes through this experience.
Imagine learning the hard way the pain that you go through by losing your unborn child.
For us though, that was not enough. We had the privilege of going through this soul destroying experience a second time.
This yearning of wanting to have a baby and the failure to bring it to fruition can test the mettle of any couple.
Some find it too much and split up. Others quit in trying to have a baby. Others soldier on and continue trying to achieve their own miracle. We all deal with situations differently.
Irrespective of how they react, every single one of them, has a piece of their heart missing. The death of their unborn baby. The death of their miracle.
Do you still think that it is no big deal? Do you still think that it is just a fetus?
If you are ever in the presence of one of those tortured people, treat them with the respect they deserve. They have just lost their flesh and blood!
We suffered. We fought to achieve our miracle. We are VASPX.
VASPX is the author of ALL I EVER WANTED WAS TO BE CALLED MOM. Now available for download. http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_4_18?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=all+i+ever+wanted+was+to+be+called+mom&sprefix=all+i+ever+wanted+%2Caps%2C1436.
Available in print format 1st March 2016.
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