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December06

MARRY WISELY

 

When you are young, you take actions, hoping they will improve your future. Be it getting a job, going to university or setting up your own business. You set the foundations for what lies ahead, hoping your actions today will positively affect tomorrow’s. After all the majority of us are optimists by nature.

You did get that good job, finished university or started your own business. You cannot wait to get the first pay check.

For most men these are the goals:

-Get a job

-Buy a car

-Get a girlfriend

-Get Married

-Buy a house

-Have a family

We have seen this picture unfold with our parents, our neighbours and in just about any house we happen to glance at. As far as are concerned, it is the norm, it happens to everybody and when we are ready it will happen to us as well. We do not give it a second thought. This is how sure we are.

You have worked for a few years. The average age for a man getting married in the USA is twenty nine and in the UK is thirty years old. This is assuming they decide to get married in the first place. They can just as well live together

You then get a place together.

 

The underlined section below will appear in all the articles, in order to highlight it’s importance.

 

The average age for first time mothers:

 In the UK is 28.3 years according to: http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/what-average-age-first-time-6845033.

          In the USA it is 26.3 years according to: http://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2016/01/14/462816458/average-age-of-first-time-moms-keeps-climbing-in-the-u-s

          According to Resolve www.resolve.com  the American Infertility Organization one in eight US couples of childbearing age has trouble conceiving or sustaining a pregnancy.

          According to the UK Infertility Network www.infertilitynetworkuk.com one in six couples in the UK today have difficulty achieving pregnancy.

The majority of couples will try to get pregnant in their twenties. New statistics show that more and more couples wait, before trying to get pregnant well into their thirties and early forties, because of their busy work lives. They feel that through the advance of IVF they can delay having babies. However women produce a limited amount of eggs and it is that much harder for an older woman to get pregnant naturally. If they freeze the egg, studies show that the quality of the egg decreases with every year it remains frozen, thus suggesting that it can only be viable for a period of five of years.

There are claims that there can a lot more defects between an IVF baby and a baby who was conceived naturally. There are also claims that more birth defects are likely to be faced by an IVF baby using a frozen egg than a fresh one.

You might feel the situation to be a minefield. It might be but you do not bury your head in the sand, hoping things will work out.

Read about the process of IVF. Compare the positives and negatives. Google ‘IVF destroyed my marriage’; where you will read about the countless couples who have split up after under-going this process.

For the purpose of this article, I assume you are in your twenties and married or in a relationship. You are at the prime of your life and you feel indestructible. Infertility or IVF are things that apply to others and certainly not to someone like you. You perform like a lion and the world is your oyster.

You are too busy trying to conquer the world/ get the big promotion/make your first million… There is no time to read sissy things like infertility or IVF. YOU ARE SO WRONG!

What you get from life is not necessarily what you want.

I believe the most important thing in life is the creation of your family:

You can work long hours and have a very healthy bank balance or a portfolio of properties. You are trying to build your future with not a lot of free time for social engagements or even starting a family.

-It all fades into insignificance if you come home every night to an empty house.

-It all fades to irrelevance if you come home knowing you will see your wife tortured and depressed because she cannot get pregnant.

-You will be willing to trade whatever you accumulated, for that priceless joy of having a baby.

-The realization will kick in, that you only have a small window of time to achieve pregnancy. Time is your enemy. If you left it late to start a family your swimmers are not as vibrant as they were in your twenties. Your wife’s quantity and quality of eggs decreases the older she gets.

Is there an ideal age to try and have a baby?

Not really. It all comes down to the specific circumstances of every couple.

The thing to remember is this:

The clock is ticking!

If you try to get pregnant in your twenties, unknown to you, you might suffer from infertility. During the first year or two, you will both try and suffer in silence. You will then visit the doctor as you realise you might need help. That specific visit will change your sex life as ovulation charts will now call the shots. If that does not work a more detailed examination of your swimmers and your wife’s reproductive system will occur.

There might be a problem with your swimmers or with your wife.

The next step is to consider IVF.

A common number that pops up, is that a couple may need to have six attempts before and if they get pregnant.

It can take anything from three to eight years. This is a long time!

Imagine you start when you are in your mid-thirties. If you are unlucky, you can turn forty and still no result. Time is catching up with you. The sperm and the egg are no longer the good quality they were when you were in your twenties.

Please, do not panic and try to get pregnant as soon as you read this. However, remember is this: You will always find hurdles for delaying this adventure. Money problems, trying to get a house, working longer hours to get a promotion etc. It never ends… You started with an old car and now you want a new one. You have a one bedroom flat/house and you naturally want a two bedroom one. There is always the temptation of moving up the ladder and keeping up with the Jones’.

My personal opinion is to spend your energy to find the right person to spend the rest of your life with. Once you find the person who is right for you, then there is no point in delaying trying to create your family. A better car, bigger house, promotion etc, can be achieved later. If you are unlucky and you fall into the club of I in 8 ( www.resolve.com) you will realise the hard way that these material things mean nothing. ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

 

 

Marry wisely

This is the cornerstone for a happy family life.

Before I go on, let me ask you this. Look at your mom and dad. He probably has a bit of a beer belly, his hair is receding and probably snores like a chain-saw at night. Your mom had your brothers and sisters. Time and gravity has not been kind to her either. What is keeping them together?  Love, understanding, communication, compromise and sacrifice for each other. These are the tools of survival for a marriage in the long term. It has nothing to do with sex or looks.

Find the woman who is right for you. Do not just look for a rich, pretty or a girl who is exciting in bed. You are looking for the one you are going to spend the rest of your life with. Marrying unwisely will see you in the divorce courts in five years. Whether she is rich-poor, pretty-ugly, tall-short, skinny-fat is irrelevant.  There is a big difference between lust and love.

Do not let your head or eyes make this decision. Let your heart call the shots. Finding the woman who makes your heart feel content is a good start. When you are at work and you feel you cannot wait to finish and go home to be with her is a fundamental factor. If you find any excuse to delay going home so as to have a few drinks with your friends, you have problems in your marriage and you are not worthy of her. Instead of going home and dealing with whatever problem exists you bury your head in the sand, delaying the unavoidable and letting her waste the next few years on someone like you instead of letting her find the right one of her as it is clearly not you.

Find the woman you will feel comfortable to tell your darkest secrets and who will accept you for who you really are. If you do not project your real self, you are lying to her and you do not deserve to have her in your life.

Make her the centre of your universe and treat her like your Queen, for she deserves nothing less.

Marrying the right woman, empowers you with immense energy, compassion, understanding, tolerance and love. I did not have a lot of the above until I got married. My wife is my beacon to a better me.

Adult life is hard. Marrying wisely makes it that much easier. Should you face problems along the way, you face them as a unit. A strong, compassionate and unyielding unit. You will not let any problem break you up. When your wife is sad, you can be sad as well, without knowing why she is sad.  This is what love is.

This is the first article on the sometimes insurmountable journey in trying to create your family.

The next one is

“Facing Infertility”

“Dealing with IVF”

“Losing Your Baby”

“Who is Dr Robin Hadley and his relevance to my story?”

 

We suffered. We fought to achieve our miracle. We are VASPX.

VASPX is the author of the book ALL I EVER WANTED WAS TO BE CALLED MOM and the sequel, soon to be finished All I Ever Wanted Was to be Called Mom (MEN SUFFER TOO).

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